Spring Fever? Cabin Fever? Going insane? A Rant.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me other than I'm going mad. As in Lewis Caroll "mad'. A weird perverse frantic energy has come upon me and the worst of it is there is nothing going on. Not a blip on the radar of something that needs handling, no big events to gear up for, noooothhing. Still and stagnant waters all around. Which is good. I'm not saying it ain't. Except it ain't.

The weather turned warmer and suddenly BAM! Mad hatter town. And I thought "Oh! Camping! Physical exertion! Perfect!" except it's a lie. It's not actually warm yet, there is still snow in the mountains, you can't go camping now. One of many little obstacles to keep me in this state of high strung restlessness.

The energy is there, let us create! But wait there still is no where to put the sewing machine, so that's out. Ok fine. We'll reupholster those chairs that need it so desperately! But wait, you bought the wrong staples for the staple gun. Ok fine! We'll....paint the table top silver! But wait, Bran thinks that's a horrible idea and you are acting kinda crazy so maybe you should listen. Ok FINE! I'll sit here in my house that I currently hate everything in at the moment and sit on my hands so that I don't compulsively destroy something while the sounds of sawing and banging slowly push my madness to the breaking point and I then spontaneously combust, turning my currently drab living room into a delicious shade of red. Good plan.

On top of that massive sundae of insane, I'm being bombarded with dreams of the sea. The sea coming to get me, water flooding my house, the sea immersing a building I'm in. I'm on ships, I'm swimming blah blah blah. Ok I get it Manannan, you want something. How about you tell me what it is? Instead of the shadowy misty illusion thing where you're there watching me but I'm not suppose to know you're watching me except that I know you're watching me. I've had shadowy dark trixy things watching me my whole life it's kinda hard for me not to notice. Really all it's making me do is want to start a fight with someone. Anyone. But honestly there isn't really a safe person for me to get into a fight with round here at the moment. So I shall continue to sit on my hands with that one.

The rational section of my brain tells me to analyze where all this energy is coming from, why do I want to get into a fight with someone (and when I say "fight" I mean real fight, as in fist swinging, kicking, people get thrown to the ground, wind knocked out of you, bruised, scrapped, bloody fight)?

Because then I'd be spent. They wire will be snapped. When it was all over I'd be panting, out of breath, grinning like a fool, and full of good for the soul aches.  When emotions can't be put into words, when the energy is just too big, physical manifestation of that energy and emotion just works. Works wonders. Bringing into this realm what was only in the mind before. All the bruises and the aches, the pain a real testament of the power and the value of it all. Gods I wish we had a place for a punching bag....

On the converse side of this madhouse coin that is my current emotional state of being. I just want pretty things. I hate all of my clothes because none of them satisfy my need for beauty at the moment. I've worn them all, and it just ain't working any more. My house not up to my current standard of decadence and beauty.

I want to have a good old fashioned outdoor dinner party in a garden of blooming flowers. With a looong table covered in food, and crystal wine glasses, and candles everywhere. Dress to the nines in a frothy ball gown, and flowers and jewelry, and a waltz. You see how I make no sense at all? Just a moment ago I was reveling in the idea of a good black eye and now I want a four poster canopy bed bedecked in velvets and satins, with silk organza curtains and lanterns, and fur rugs. Madness all of it.

So I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I have big plans to cull my closet of half it's contents and buy some things that make me happy. I'll continue to bite the fuck out of my lip to feel the pain and taste iron. I'll be sure to watch my tongue and keep all the mischief thoughts of goading people into fights to myself. Plan a ritual to Dagda and Morrighan to get advice on this whole Manannan thing. And generally try to not let my blood red and black glitter crazy stain anyone else in the meantime.

Wish me luck!
Branwen



Beauty and the Beast by *Ryuuka on deviantART

Some precious little thing

I want to start blogging more, I have a whole lot of drafts waiting to be completed. But I've been very....fae? lol lately, distracted by spring and other pretty little things. So I leave you with a lovely photo that my favorite Thora took of me in a lovely new costume Rabbit gave me. 

I think it's fitting.

Back the the basics

Yes if you keep an eye on the Wild Hunt you know that the conversation (rightly so) is still going on. With more focus on the broader picture of inclusion and gender across the Pagan community, which I think is ultimately more helpful. Granted the conversation is still running through our community, and will continue to do so for probably many years to come, as this now sits as something to firmly consider amongst the myriad of other things to consider for our functions.

And it's wreaked quite a bit of havoc on the minds and emotions of my covenmates, myself included. For weeks we were all sucked into the machine that is the internet, and every comment, every misunderstood word, every jibe, all the hurt feelings, all the things said in anger. They consumed us. And some of it rightly so, I mean we fucked up and for that you have to take your lumps and move on. But some of it, some of it caught us in a vicious cycle of defensiveness and self doubt. Which frankly doesn't do a whole lot of good. It was a maelstrom of frustration, anger, and tears and I felt myself being drawn in.  How were we going to fix EVERYTHING. This changes EVERYTHING, nothing is EVER going to be the same. Problems without solutions, emotions everywhere, the idea that we were responsible for fixing it all.

And then divine intervention. The Dagda's firm comforting hand at my shoulder. Step back, you are capable of change WITHIN your community. Start there. There are duties to tend to. Don't you have Ordination to plan? Gotta make sure the people get fed.

I love the Dagda, I really really do. So good at focusing on the here and the now. Being able to clearly see the immediate needs that have to come first, the people that are right next to you that need tending. What is the use of trying to heal the whole world if there is someone right next to you that is going without. Take care of your people, so that they can then take care of others and the chain passes onward.

And he is right. We do have Ordinations, I do have people to feed. And I am so happy to be able to do that work for them.

For those of you that don't know, when we take Initiates (in the Wildflowers, Amazons or Green Men) they go through a training process of a year and a day. They are initiated at Imbolc and then Ordained at Spring Equinox. Before our Spring Equinox Ritual (where they are presented to the public) we all go on a Retreat and have some amazing magical ritual of our own. Needless to say this year it is something we are all looking forward to. 4 days out in the woods, with our people, eating, having ritual, drinking and making merry. Good times. And it all starts tomorrow!

This year I wanted to do a little pre-ordination ritual, because it felt right. Some of my sisters and I tried to make it out to the beach for a Dark Moon ritual. Sadly we didn't hit the beach in time to actually do any of the ritual, but still had a lovely Dark Moon Night. But today, with all that has been happening and all the gunk one of my sisters and I managed to sneak away this morning and hit the beach.

 And it was glorious. There is something so soul completing about being there, where land, sea, and sky all meet. A primal gathering of power that just automatically sets things back into alignment.

We were greeted by two handsome Ravens, who took every opportunity to show off and just in general make themselves known. We were blessed with two small feathers for being such good admirers of their Corvus forms.

I left an offering of an apple and incense for my prayers, which was later happily taken by one of the handsome Ravens. And then just cleansed. I gave Mananna Mac Lir a bottle of my Aes Sidhe elixir that had caught his eye and was pleased by the swelling of the waves that followed. The water was deliciously cold, and perfectly pure. Hands and feet cleansed. Head cleansed. Really if there weren't the few people milling about I think I would have just jump in there stark naked. It felt that good. 

And now I feel ready. Ready to do the magic that needs to be done this weekend. Ready to make a wonderfully inviting sanctuary for my clan and feed them well. Ready to pay such honor and love to my Deities who have continued to bless me with their wisdom and support. Ready to face another year and do great things with the blessings I have been given. 

May it be so. 

It's about People

This past Pantheacon of 2011 has opened a long standing discussion and factor within the Pagan community. That of gender, and gender discrimination.

I am not going to use this space to rehash a rundown of what happened at PCon, and I really don't have much to say on the ritual in question itself other than to say it was a powerful and moving experience for many of the women who attended, and I am forever grateful to help make that happen.

No, instead I will direct you to CAYA response to Pcon, Gender, and the Amazon Rite of Lilith. 

Because it's this that I want to share with you all. It is one of the many many reasons that I love and am proud to serve as a HPS in CAYA. We are not perfect, we are not stagnant. We are a group of people that are committed to holding ourselves to a higher standard, having hard difficult uncomfortable conversations, and evolving our thinking and practice.

That statement is a product of hard work, ethics and love.

I am sure that since the very last day of Con, and certainly once the conversation hit the internet, people have been wondering where CAYA's voice was. And the truth is we were in deep conversation. Admist the blogs and comments it was very surreal to see the "CAYA" name being used so much, and frequently with the intention that it were some unified force. And it is, but it isn't.

I guess the insight I'd like to share is that CAYA is a large group of people. We don't have a machine that hands down all the answers, we don't have some dogmatic law that we contrive all our decisions from, there isn't one overlord who hands down proclamations.  We are an odd bunch of eccentric differing people that all share a love and a commitment.

So after Con, during Con, the conversations were flowing. Not in a immediately we all got the bat signal and in a sharply lit conference room, we all met and immediately knew what each other were thinking and proceeded with absolute clarity, kinda way. Though that would be cool on some level. While the internet buzzed at light speed, everything happening in a moment, our inboxes and text messages were filling with conversations from each other. Our several email lists (because we have many) were a buzz with the wide variety of perspectives, concerns, and emotions of all the individual people that make up CAYA. There was hurt and dismay, I can speak with authority that NO ONE in CAYA likes to cause harm to anyone intentionally or un. Seeing that we had harmed others was truly heart wrenching. There was a wide gambit of emotions and all needed to be tended to while having a conversation and deciding together on what our statement would be.

It started with and Amazon ritual and thus it started within the Amazon Tribe, so 19 powerful opinionated women, had to have hard uncomfortable conversation and come to an understanding. Then it had to go to the High Council, some of whom are Amazons and some of whom are not but all of whom then had to look at things from a different perspective, with a higher level of responsibility. Finally it had to go out to the entire Coven, a group of 30 some odd people, to look it over, voice their concerns, alter it, and come to a consensus.

No small task. And not one undertaken lightly.

But it doesn't end with this statement for us. We are all still going to be having these hard conversations, because we don't have the answers.

For myself personally, and for others, I don't even know where my opinion on this great matter falls. I am freely admitting my ignorance to the internet and thus the world, that up until this conversation it had never occured to me that the matter of gender was such a great one. I have had the privileged of a sheltered life, and while I am eternally grateful for that in many respects, in situations like these I am at a disadvantage. Throughout this conversation I have had to learn and have to continue to learn, as I am woefully in the dark. I've have now been opened to many new ideas and theories about the nature of gender that I'd never heard before. Words like cisgender, and binary gender systems, are not things I was familiar with.  They are things I will become familiar with, as it is only through knowledge and learning that can find common ground.

The thing that I do know, without a doubt, is that there is a great need in this community and the world. A great need for power, healing, and self growth in the Divine. It is something that we in the Amazon tribe strive for ourselves and for the community of women we have been providing for these past years. It is a need so great that it has extended past our limited understandings and reached others we could not see, did not intend. Powerful magic works like that. I believe that we will step up to this great need, without abandoning the sacred work we are doing, somehow, someway. There simply is enough power, healing, and Divine for all to have the sacred space they need. 

I love my people. And I know that we will all strive to better ourselves and continue to grow with the same integrity as always.

Fierce Love to All

Cheiftain Branwen

HPS of CAYA Coven in the Amazon Tribe

Something to occupy me: Project Sanctuary

Photo by MaureenOlder

Would that the above were my house, but it is not. I do not yet own my dream house out in the woodlands. But it is my house that I've been thinking about more and more these days. For those of you that know me, you know that I do not yet have a job. It is a sad state of affairs really, as I am a good hard working person that really does enjoy doing a hard days labor. Thankfully my connections with my community, CAYA, and priestessing keep me from going entirely insane. But there are still many many hours that I really haven't the foggiest what to do with myself. 

I will freely admit here and now that I never intended and still do not intend to be a housewife. Nothing against the profession, my mother makes a wonderful housewife, as does my not-in-law mother. I know many women who are happy contented and thriving. Not my cup of tea, I love cooking but I hate cleaning and my organization skills when it comes to anything other than office items is set at 0. Yet here I am, at home. Not a wife per say, but being supported by a wonderful hard working noble man. And with the not being able to add to the household with monetary means, I find myself in the position that many unemployed partners do, feeling a bit useless. 

So how to change this? I have tried to just grit my teeth bugger down and force myself to clean and tidy anyways. It works for a while but I just don't value the work so it's proves difficult. I find myself sleeping in later and later, leaving the cleaning off till the last minute and other not good signals that I am just not engaged. Having people over while I clean helps to take the mind off the task, but it is hardly practical to expect friends to come over every time I need to do dishes. 

An idea hit me while I was perusing my blog reader this morning. I don't read a lot of blogs. A few select pagan blogs such as The Forest of Witch Grove, The Wild Hunt, all my CAYA folk's blogs, then the trend changed to sewing and craft blogs, and then it changes further still to food/craft/home blogs. The latter being what takes up most my blog reader. Stuff like The Pioneer Woman ( I LOVE her), Simple Mom, The Nester, Pretty Handy Girl, the list goes on. All these blogs are really tips, insights, DIY, for housewives in varying degrees and manners. What the hell does that say about me? It tells me that I do have SOME interest in it. It's all in the angle. 

See Pretty Handy Girl, and the Nester are amazing ladies that have amazing houses that they've crafted and decorated all on their own. I mean really their houses are beautiful and the projects they come up with are clever and useful. I would love to have a home that was all decorated and organized, I really really would. But I always felt like you had to own your own home to do it. And for a lot of their projects you would. I mean building built in storage in a rental just isn't practical, neither is painting every room, or redoing the floor and carpet. But surely there has to be a way to make even a rental be a statement home. 

My house currently is still in a state of almost unpacked. A few boxes there, nothing really on the walls. What if I were to incorporate redesigning the rooms into the whole cleaning routine? Maybe making everything just the way I'd always dreamed of it would make me less resentful to cleaning it? Maybe? It's worth a try right? Tackling things as little projects seems more my style rather than the weight of clean the whole house. 

So I'm starting today. I'm going to clean off my dinning room table and evaluate a better way to use the space. I'm going decide what I want in the kitchen and I'm going to make every room in my house a sanctuary. It will  be done my way, rich in color and texture, old fashioned in design, and eclectic in purpose lol.  

And to help motivate me to really do this, I'm going to document it here. Step by step, every little craft and every completed room. We will start in the Kitchen and Altar Nook, and move to the Living Room, then the Bathroom, and last the Bedroom and Laundry. 

Alright let's start Project Sanctuary! 

-Branwen

Change in the Air

Sometimes, you can just taste the change. Autumn and the dark time of the year seems to always bring change to my life. This year is no different.

Most obviously we are moving again. From out of my country solitude back to the city. Closer to friends, closer to available work. It's going to be a good change, I can feel the build-up and magnitude of more that this move is going to bring. I look forward to it even as I will miss my secluded nature filled home out here. It was good for us, to get away, to let time and the quiet heal the wounds of the past. I got to listen to the coyotes, be surrounded by the ravens and crows, feel the peace and watch the horses. It solidifies my goal to have a home in the woods, and to get to that goal we return to the city lol place of money making life bettering opportunities.

But besides this obvious outwards changes this Samhain has brought some subtle inner changes. I've discovered new things about my practice and path, where it needs to go, how the world may perceive it, and just what I need to do for myself and for my gods. I think, well no, I know these changes are going to effect this blog. How remains unclear. It may just get a face lift and a name change, it may dissolve entirely for a new start elsewhere. I'm looking forward to it whatever shape it takes, as it will give me an opportunity to be more active online as well as in my practice. Right now much of what I want to say and explore just doesn't seem to fit, so transformation is need.

Movement, Momentum, Action, and Success.

It's a wise lesson I learned this late summer and will propel me into winter and the next year.

I leave you all with a stunningly beautiful haunting song and music video that I first saw on Lady Lavorna's blog. It suits my mood these days and really is just a lovely piece.

Best

Branwen

Magic on the Fly

Sometimes you just get a call and realize that someone needs a little extra boost. Or sometimes your day is just struggling and a kick from beyond is needed to change course. In these cases and so many others it is appropriate to jump up and work a little magic.

Today, I needed to make everything turn up Aces for someone special.

It only takes a few moments, a few bits and pieces, some powerful intention. All in a days work for a witch.

So Mote it Be!