The need to vent

And that's what blogs are for right? Good so know that the following is me expressing pent up frustrations and unresolved anger.

I do not trust my family. Isn't that a sad thing to say? But it's true. I am a person who believes in judging people on their actions and my family has proven with their actions that they cannot be relied upon to do what is right, nor to have my best interests in mind.

I feel wronged by them, and have felt this way for a while and will probably always feel this way. And maybe these feelings aren't valid but they exsist and I guess it's about time I brought them to light.

When I was fresh out of highschool I was moved in with my grandmother here in Berkeley as a way to jump start me into thinking about my future. Shortly there after my uncle who was going through a divorce and getting rid of his house moved in with us as well.

At first everything was fine, my uncle though dramatic was a nice enough guy and while my grandmother and I clashed heads often it wasn't horrible. And then the drinking started. My uncle you see is an alcoholic and suffers from post-polio syndrome, along with a slue of other psychological issues he has accumulated over his life.

I went through the emotions of feeling bad for him, trying to help him, tough love and then just disgust. Things got hard fast. He would drink a week away, it became a game of hiding the keys, looking for the signs and praying he would sober up. My grade plumetted, and I had to switch my enrollment to web-classes because I couldn't trust him home alone with my 86 year grandmother, he wasn't violent towards myself or her but he was angry and if he just knocked her over would have been enough.

Her health declined, and while I was desperate to get him out of the house, she couldn't bring herself to kick him out. No one could apparently. despite my frequent pleas to my father and my mother and even to my other Uncle, nothing was done. It was grandmothers house only she could kick him out.

Things went from bad to worse as the drinking continued and my accesses to the computer and my classes were effectively cut off by his rampages. And while I tried to get the money together for a laptop my grades and attendance levels finally reached the point of suspension.

Life was miserable, dark, depressing and repressive. Everyone acted like the drunken episodes never happened once he sobered up, the house was filled with seething tension. I couldn't understand why no one would help, why no one would DO anything. I tried to get Grandma to spur into action but she flatly refused, said I didn't understand you can't just kick out your son. I called Dad daily in near tears but nothing, he's hands were tied it was grandmother's house.

It was the first time my Dad ever let me down.

And maybe that's not fair, but I was a kid who had never had to see anything so serious and dark before in my life, never had to deal with something so rank as the situation I was in and he just left me there! And I know he didn't mean for it to feel that way, and loves me and never wanted any of that to happen but it did and he did.

If it weren't for Bran during those times I honestly don't know what would have become of me. I had no friends then, no social network, my whole life was being consumed by the health and welfare of my grandmother and binges of my uncle.

Once it became obvious that the situation wasn't going to change and that no one was going to act, we did. We moved. It was hard, overcoming the sense of responsibility towards my grandmother and the guilt of leaving her. But it was becoming more and more obvious that if we stayed we would be consumed as well.

And we did, and it was the best thing we could have done.

Then about six months after moving out we get asked by a very weak grandma (more like told) to move back , my uncle was gone and in his wake he left a feable old woman who had aged more in the three years he lived with her than I had ever seen. She could barely walk, and with the help of my Dad we got her moved into a place with round the clock care.

A few months later, April of this year she died.

And now...now we've taken the house that was my prison and turned it into a home. Both my father and my other Uncle say the house has more life in it than they can ever recall. Life had settled and I was looking forward to a few years of getting on track and just being young.

But the curse of family rears his ugly head again. Today I received a call from my father, who had just spoken with my apparently drunk uncle, who had let slip that he would like to kick out our upstairs tenants and move in himself.

And in that short amount of time all the anger and depression was back. I've never come so close to hating anyone in my life as truly as this man, so bent on ruining all the calm and peace that I have finally cultivated.

Logically it makes no sense for them to allow it, as he has proven himself time and time again to be untrustworthy. How could he be dependent upon to pay a rent check, and even more so dependent upon to deposit the other tenants rent check (for there is no way in this world or any other that I would live in the same structure as him ever again). In his drunken spells he is known to destroy things, why trust him with the family estate.

Logic tells me not to worry.

But I don't trust them. I don't trust them to tell him no, to do what is right, to give me what little peace that I think is my due.

I don't want to leave this house, I don't want to return to a state of constant worries and what if's , planning out several modes of survival. But what choice do I have?


I'll do everything in my power, mundane and otherwise to keep him out of this house and out of my life. In the mean time it's time to prepare for the worst, find a stable job, get a license, and squirrel away money.

I Pray to the Dadga, Danu, Lugh, and Morrigan that we don't lose our home
I pray to the Land, Sea and Sky
That this may all pass us by
Without harm nor disruption
May the Tuatha give me the strength to defend my home from those notorious souls
So mote it be

Rest, Relaxation, Paganism, and Cowboys, oh my!

I've read many an article stating that people in our society are just over stressed and part of that reason is that so few people take time off to just rest and relax. They pass up their vacation time out of fear of the looming pile of work that they'll have to clean up when they get back.

Let me state for the record: Take time off. Whenever possible. For as little and long as possible. It can only do you good.

I feel sooo much better from just one little weekend a couple hours away that it's ridiculous. I can only imagine what a whole week would do.

Through the amazing resource that is craigslist.com, found this charming sounding cabin for rent up in the Ukiah area. It is a stunning cabin owned by two lovely ladies Calla and LaRou in San Fran and I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone looking for a nice get away in the woods.

Affordable and homey, I was very impressed and surprised at the same time. Bran and I had decided that we both were in need of a rest and relaxation retreat to recharge our batteries before the chaos of the holidays hit us full swing. It was meant to be a weekend to leave everything behind and just exist out in the woods, do some hiking, and just breath. Away from the city, and the hussle and bussle of our everyday lives.

I had no idea it was going to turn out to be so...pagan lol.

After the adventure of trying to transverse windy mountain back roads, in the dark, the rain, and the fog, we reached our destination in safety and good humor. The cabin was cozy, a woodburning stove ready at the waiting for Bran to fire it up in all it's glory, a HUGE bathtub that I was itching to climb into and a charming loft bedroom.

As we both commenced the very natural habit of snooping around before settling down (I attribute it to the same as a dog smelling around to make sure it the right and good place to sleep) we started to notice some little things that made us laugh. A few books with auspicious titles such as The Power of Crystals and their Uses. On the bedside table two bumper stickers casually layed out "Beware of Dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup" and "Magic Happens" needless to say my pagan-o-meter was up and I wasn't surprised to find a lovely goddess necklace and statue in the bathroom.

Somehow out of all the cabins I looked into renting, out of all the places I could have taken us, it was the one that wound up being suspiciously pagan lol!

We had a sinfully unhealthy but throughly enjoyable breakfast of our favorite delicacies, biscuits and gravy for him, and cinnamon rolls and lil' smokies for me. Yum. Yum. Yum!

Twittered away the drizzly morning, watching a funny little VHS cartoon of halloween and witches, and soaking in the Tub of Glory. Whilst in the tub, which has a fantastic view of the trees and woods that envelope the cabin, I looked up to see a ghostly skeletal face staring directly at me made up of the branches, leaves and light of the trees. It was so stunning clear it was startling.

I've been fretting and frittering for the past couple of weeks about Samhain and my part therein, about not really having made a tangible connection with my deity and how this may effect.

Yay.

I'm not anymore lol. Seeing that in the trees, was some sort of tap that just made everything calm and alright. A calling card of sorts that just said, "Don't worry. I'm watching. I'll be there."

I also had a dream on Saturday night, that I have a feeling was somehow connected though I can't say why other than a feeling. In my dream I was laying in bed at he cabin looking out the window that was beside the bed. While looking at the tree tops they suddenly started to go by like they were moving, I remember thinking to myself how odd it was since trees didn't move. Then I realized that I was the one moving, I was flying through the trees. Now I've never had a flying dream to my recollection and was struck by that thought as I went whipping through the topmost branches. The wind licked against my skin and I could literally feel it's cool kiss. I could feel the chill and damp of the clouds that skittered by.
I remember looking down at the valleys and hills, and seeing a large horse standing over a grave in deep sadness, and a little ways off a hound lay under a twisted magnificent oak tree also with an aire of melancholy. It was so sad, and so beautiful.

Then I woke up. But unlike most my other dreams I remembered this one, with great clarity.

Oh those strange riddles that dreams are.

Didn't go hiking as intended, to wet and rainy, and not any real trails close to the cabin. So instead we decided to go to downtown Ukiah and see if there was anything there to see. We'd been through before and had seen this neat looking shop called Dragon's Lair which wasn't open then, but lucky us it was this time.

And dontcha know it, it was a pagan shop lol! With some very awesome sales and generally neat things in it. We literally could have spent all our bank account in there, but we restrained ourselves to a very cool poster of a dragon warrior woman, and a lovely necklace that was on sale that screamed at me lol. While we were checking out I was kicking myself a bit for not having a CAYA postcard to put up on their board, and wandered over to look at the notices on a whim.

As I drew near my eye immediately catches on the visage of Kris Kristofferson, to those of you not savy to the awesomeness of the original Outlaws of Country music, Kris is a country music legend, having played with the other giants Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Wayland Jennings and others. Needless to say Bran and I are huge ol' country fans, and lo and behold the great Kris Kristofferson was going to be at a concert there in Ukiah on that Sunday!! I got all excited and showed it to Bran and there was no doubt we were going. After eating at the Ukiah Brew Pub an all organic brewing company and restaurant, we set off to try and find the the Chambers of Commerce to purchase tickets from.

I will give this advice to all travelers, if you need to find a location and you happen to pass by a library, go in and ask them. Library's are extraordinarily useful places for finding things, for if the librarian does not know they have maps of the city.

Also if you are in the new town and plan on kicking around, go to either the welcoming center or the chamber of commerce. Both places are chock full of pamphlets, maps, and booklets with the local information (and coupons!) armed with this info you can find anything in the city.

I made a scrumpitous pot of potato soup for dinner on Saturday (which I also gave as an offering on Sunday to the lovely woodland spirits) and we took our sup with the accompaniment of Sleepy Hallow, in keeping with the Halloween mood. More soaking in the tub (we were horrible water wasters lol) and just enjoyed the quite company of one another.

In general it is decided that neither or us wish to live in the city. Bran feels he just doesn't fit in quite right, and feels much more at home in the country side. And I, while I don't know that I have a home pre say, other than maybe the road lol. But I have come to enjoy the country more than the city, it's too loud, too busy, and just too...much I guess. I like simple things and the woods. I'd like it very much if someday we could live out in wither Santa Rosa or Ukiah on a farm, raising heritage cattle and the like. Close enough to the city to drive in and do exciting events only a city can offer but far enough away to relax. Either that or to have two homes, one to escape to.

Ukiah is really a lovely place, the landscape it beautiful and majestic. An odd and prefect blend of country ranchers and loggers, and old hippies and pagan new age folk. That was quite apparent at the concert, so many different interesting people all coming together for a benefit concert for the firefighters who had so much work to do this year. I think we will defiantly be going back.

All and all it was a lovely, unexpected, perfect weekend. And I feel ready to take on all the holidays stress and motion, and am re-excited about future plans and things on their way. I'm ready for whatever the season has to throw at me, ready and willing lol.

No longer burnt out,
Branwen

Adventures in olfactory and other thoughts

Apparently we can look forward to some very strange days ahead of us. What with it being October and the natural thickness of the veil well...not being so thick, and the added impact of Pluto surging (still need to look more into that) AND Mercury in retrograde, you have yourself one hell of a month.

And Hell's bells did it start out strange. If you have contact with me today you've probably already heard this story and thusly have my permission to skip ahead, but it's a tale I'd like to put on the records so humor me.

I started my day as I usually do, loaded up my iPod and headed out the door for work, before I reached the bottom of my porch my senses were invaded with the smell of rain. I throughly enjoy the smell of impending rain and took a moment to savor the unique and rare aroma before heading back in the house for a jacket on the prediction of precipitation in the near future.

Heading up Dwight throughly enjoying my brisk walk pounding the pavement to the beat of Rammstein (which I definitely need to get more of) and as I stop at Shattuck waiting for my walk light I'm hit with the most horrible wall of rank raw sewage stench ever to be wiffed by my poor little nose.

Let the record state quite clearly, that I am not accustomed to being mowed down by smells often. I have your average human nostrils that can detect scent, but surely not at any hyper-sensitive levels as some (my mother specifically comes to mind)

I had to stop and check both my shoes for fear that I had stepped in something vile and of human bio-production. But thankfully, both soles proved clean. Yet the smell lingered, oppressively from all sides. With no source in sight I hurriedly jaunted up the street trying to out run the stench.

As my trek took me to the Telegraph my nose was again accosted by smell, this time the distinctive smell of wet rotting garbage (yummy no?). It was just hanging there in the air around the Andronico's, no garbage in site. Not a can, nor truck that the eye could see and yet by my nose's estimation I should have been standing next to the City dump on a rainy day.

The trifecta of this smelling extravaganza was at this point causing me some preponderance, especially seeing as the last two were of an oddly foul nature for our society that is for the most part past the time period of waste and sewage being an everyday olfactory experience.

I questioned my coworkers if they too had smelled the foul smells afoot in Berkeley this morn, I questioned those on my gmail chat in the area, all answered in the negative.

Granted a part of me would have chalked it all up to a "weirdo Branwen's reality sharply differing from actual reality" but after a talk with one of my coven sister's over a delicious bottle of cider about the negative effects self-doubt can play on ones growing spiritual ability. I decided to take it at face value as I smelled some weirdo stuff that no one else did and was a good chance it had something to do with the Otherworld. Bob's your uncle, Mary's your aunt and that's that.

But wait my story gets better. No actually it does , on my way back to work from lunch, once again bad assly pounding pavement to the melody of Drowning Pool and an Incubus cover (noticing a theme here? Yes October has heralded in Branwen's Heavy Rock Genre of music, well at least heavy for me anyways lol) And once again I'm stopped in my tracks by the fragrance in my nasal glands. This time it was a much more pleasant experience in that it was like I'd just walked into a grand field of flowers, it was beautiful smell, very feminine though I could not pin down the specific pedal that create the effect. And once again I found myself on a street without a floral in sight.

It was simply odd. Especially for me. See I don't usually have those spiritual otherworldly experiences. Generally speaking I'm too distracted by thoughts and images in my head to pay attention to THIS plan of existence let alone what's beyond it.

I'm not entirely certain what to take from it either. My coven brother brought up an intriguing notion that scents and memories are interconnected and that I had walked between the worlds for a bit. Which I find somewhat hair raising...well for at least two of the spots anyways. It does make me somewhat glad that I haven't the gift of sight to the otherside, I don't necessarily want to know what it was I walked through on Shattuck. Though I suppose it could have just been the goblins as they aren't the most hygenic of creatures...but even they I don't think would smell of human waste.

In any event I will be keeping my eyes and nose open as I head off into the wilderness this weekend.

That's right folks as much as I love you all, and as much as I enjoy participating and being busy and having stuff to do, there is that part of me that is going a little bit stir crazy being here in the city. The wandering star I was born under has been pulsating for the past month or so and if I don't relieve it now I'm sure to go balls to the wall mad these holidays.

So I found this nice cabin out in the back forty up by Willits, 20 acres of wildreness to explore and not a neighbor in sight, rented it out for the weekend and am THROUGHLY looking forward to the seclusion with my favorite person on earth.

Two whole days of being out in the country, preparing good food and breathing forest air. No cable or TV to further enrage my sense of unjustice and despair in the state of our nation. No crappy neighbors to be annoyed with or having to worry about our noise level. I can scream and holler, and chant and bang drums, and howl till the sun rises and no one will give a damn. I am so excited I could bump the moon.

Plus I'm hoping to do some real communing out there in the woods, hopefully I can make a real solid connection to my aspecting deity. Maybe if I'm farther away from the white noise of town I'll be able to open up those channels better. Who knows maybe I'll have an ephiany.

So this is one white raven signing off for the weekend, hope all you fabulous folks enjoy your weekends while you have them. I have a feeling this holiday season is going to be...interesting lol.

Branwen