Breath in, Breath out. Coughing need not apply

Poor little blog like so many journals before you, you have been neglected. I am sorry for that, truly I am. And since I'm recovering from illness I suppose I have the time and inclination needed for you at the moment.

I'm looking for a new layout, but as per usually now appeal to me and I may or may not attempt to design my own.

So what's happening in the my world of paganism...Things are going good actually, seems like all the big scary stuff is over and done with and we've done so many things and had to improvise that it really is becoming second nature to plan and prepare for ritual and then throw it all out the window and think on the fly lol.

We did the big ritual for the Elderflowers, where we fabulous people made up a ritual from scratch all on our own and it went together like budda' (you have to say that out loud to get my real intent there ^_~ lol) Somehow all ten of us got a theme together and what we wanted to take away from this ritual and everything else just fell into place. I was really proud of everyone, we even managed to have one meeting end pretty much on schedule (huzzah for that my good friends) And I even more proud to say that I heard everyone's voice on this one, it didn't seem to me at least that anyone wasn't getting air time, and everyone was speaking clearly and from the heart and that is awesome.

The actual ritual itself was much more.....challenging shall we say? lol It worked out in the end quite perfectly as things do. There was some turbulence on the way involving miscommunication, room confusion, and agitated yoga people. But we swung with it, to our benefit I think, and with our powers combined made our own space in the lovely Sacred Well.

It was magical. Everyone was a star in my book, and honestly I think that ritual holds some real power and strength that others should go through. Something about looking yourself in the eye in a mirror and speaking with intention is incredibly difficult and incredibly empowering.

We rocked, I don't think I can say that enough because it's true.

Let's see what else is going on's in the spiritual realm. My year and day with the Wildflower's draw ever nearer and I'm looking forward to that, not that the journey will be over (it's never really over and there are other projects stirring in the CAYA pot that make me very excited) but at the accomplishment that everyone will have achieved after all the hard work.

And as one cycle ends another begins. I did put in an application for Rabbit's Amazon Dianic Training, so more fun and work is in the stars for me. I honestly don't know how that's going to go, I feel deep down in my bones it's something I should do, but it really does make me nervous. I think in my nervousness I have inadvertently ruffled some feathers recently on the subject as well, and I am sorry for that.

Out of that though, I did have several really good conversations with some truly amazing women, whom I have the privilege to call friends. Thank you ladies, we'll no doubt be talking more often.

Essentially I need stop over thinking things and just go with it, obviously something told me that there is something valuable that I need on the that path, I need to stop second guessing, swallow my doubts and just walk forward and see how things go. I don't know why I'm so nervous as I already know almost everyone that has already gone through it, and love them and indeed have many things in common with.

Maybe it's some sort of fear of losing who I am. Even within the Wildflower training at times it was difficult to reconcile how to proceed and not abandon the things that I hold to be true in a Celtic spiritual sense. I've had to compartmentalize mentally, while in CAYA circles, I adhere to the set CAYA ritual outlines because it works and helps bring so many different and wonderful people together. So in that community, it doesn't matter that I personally already believe the space is sacred and closed just by us being there, we cast circle to help foster that community it is more important.

The harder one I simply just chalk up to different belief patterns. The official CAYA stance is a Universalist Perspective, that while each deity has a distinct aspects that may appeal and inspire relevant to humans, all are ultimately part of the same Universal Divine Force, as fingers to a hand or leaves to a tree.

That's not my personal practice or belief, all the Gods' are different individuals separate from each other. They may have been formed from bigger primordial forces but that doesn't mean they can be interchanged for one another to me. But I have found that it hasn't really been an issue, no one has asked me to claim that I believe that and I don't think they will.

This may become a bigger thing in the Dianic path that I'll have to find a way to reconcile with myself, it may not. I think I just have to stop worrying.

Easier said than done.

Especially since as I sit here I wonder more and more if my reason to doing this is the supposed proper one for doing it. I want to have a better relationship with women, with myself and with Goddesses. That's my intent in going into this. I can relate to certain women, to certain Goddesses, but other leave me squirming. The moon circle with Aphrodite comes to mind, I don't believe I have ever felt so out of place than in that circle.

Is that enough of a reason to go through a year and a day training that in the end will make me a Priestess of that path?? Honestly I thought so, but maybe not. I didn't enter into the Wildflower's tradition for the intent and purposes of becoming a "Priestess" in fact I don't even think I realized that was what I was doing. The title honestly isn't important to me, it enables me to continue to help with the hard work and having a hand in keeping the community I love moving froward, to give back to the people who have been there for me. That's the big thing to me. Yes it's nice to know that if I wanted or needed I could start a circle of my own but that's the gravy not the main course.

*deep breath* Too much thinking. It's hard not to though when you're laid out on the couch, impulsively checking your e-mail for outside input lol. Man I'm lame.

Ok enough of this endless prattle. Whoever made it this far kudo's to you for transverseing the meandering mind that is mine and coming out alive. I wish you well. lol

Merry Yuletidings!

Branwen