Strange thoughts in the Rain

I warn you now reader that is post is likely to meander without structure and without sense. It is the type of day for such stream of consciousness thinking, though I generally dispise the genre in literature.

The past day seems a haze...actually the past two days seem oddly shrouded in some sort of mist. I woke up on the 20th and had completely forgotten it was Inauguration day, Bran made an unexpected stop home for lunch and was puzzled to find me not glued to the T.V. watching history in the making.

I felt oddly detached from it all. Very odd since, I have that streak of political minded-ness that makes me want to be in the midst of the action taking the reign of our country and pulling her away from oblivion.

We sat and ate lunch watching the new President slow caravan down the lane in D.C., and I couldn't help the thought that entered my brain. As I saw all these smiling faces, all these hopeful spirits raising such energy such joy, and remembering how you could hardly go anywhere without seeing his name, his face. Perhaps it's the cynic in me, but the thought came unbidden.

Is he being set up to fail? Can one man ever live up to such expectations?

I turned to Bran and as is a common occurrence we were both thinking the same thing.

It is not that I think the hope he inspires is a bad thing, only I wonder at the cause of it...He is already being praised as a savior but is yet untested in the murky waters he now treads. It may come to be that the hope and the change he has come to represent will manifest itself in the people, a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, because they believe it, it will happen.

I hope and pray this is so. For the other option is not helpful, but I cannot help but worry about putting someone on a pedestal so early in this battle. It is a very long way to fall.

And then yesterday...it hardly seems like yesterday, as though the day just stretched itself longer to follow me. I did not sleep well, too many dreams, too many thoughts.

I once again am visited by the Bandh Sidhe, and must follow her down the dark path to witness death. Though wether I am following or leading this time I cannot be sure, but I know the path and it is unavoidable.

My Grandfather is at the dusk of his life. He took a fall yesterday and broke his leg and hip, and must be in surgery by now. They are unsure of his recovery. Mother and I will leave for the cold state of Illinois on Saturn's Day. Appallingly fitting, to be leaving on the day of the Father of the Gods.

My Grandmother's words echo through my head, "Life is going from one crisis to the next."

Seems there is more than a grain of truth in those wise sadonic words.
It is shameful to admit but my soul is feeling exposed today, I don't know that I feel much about the impending death of my mother's father.

There it is said, let it mark me a damaged soul if it will but it is the truth.

Upon hearing the news my thoughts were only of my mother, and greatly still are. I never got to know my Grandfather, I've seen him a handful of times in my life, but sadly none of them made a very large impression me. I will be sad at the loss of a chance to know him, to learn from him, but that chance has already passed. Merely from my Mother's accounts of his drastically changed behavior I can say with certainty that most of him has already gone.

This trip isn't about me. This is about Mother, my sweet exteremly emotional mother. It's out of the question she go alone, and since father can't go, I step in to take care of her.

Funny...I don't know when it happened, me taking care of mother. Somewhere along the way of moving out and with Shawn being gone, it just happened. Shawn is the eldest, but being so far away and with a wife that needs constant care herself, the title of next head of the house falls to me. My mother is the type of person that needs taking care of, it's not a burden, no truthfully it is not done out burdendom. It is done because we love her, and though she may drive us crazy.

I don't want to go honestly, the misery and the dark energy that prevails on that side of the family is suffocating. It's the helplessness coupled with an ill-begotten since of deserving that drags any poor soul down who didn't let themselves be squarndered. I'd much rather stay here, in my home, with quiet comforting strong presence of the man that loves me.

But what type of daughter would I be, hell what type of person would I be if I let her go alone into that hyena's den? One not fit to stand in the sun, let alone claim to be a Celt.

I guess I asked for it in a way...well no not asked as I do not think I had much control over things that I am drawn to in this life, no to some extent it much be destiny. But it seems fitting in some way, you cannot be drawn to the dark, to those shadowy things that hover between in the gray space. You cannot revel in the gory and brutal glory of darker nature and not see death. Not know it's sterilization in this time, not feel the pain that it leaves behind, or see the distruption of a thread cut. It would be too hypocritical, too...naive. To praise and honor the Dadga and the Morrigan who both stand with one foot in Otherworld and one in the Living, is to be subject to the lessons they have to teach about life and it's brother death.

My, my, my...what a mellow dramatic post. But then I suppose I've always had a thing for the dramatic, and while I do not know how it is that my brothers and sisters see me, I doubt they expect such morbid solmenity.

But it is a truth universialy know, you cannot have light without the dark.

So I leave you with these dark thoughts, for there is much to do, and much to make ready before the Day of Saturn. Somehow I must find a way to remedy my own stupidity.

Damn Mercury Retrograde, in the haze of yesterday evening I somehow managed to check Bran's pockets take out his utility tool, wallet, keys, and other pocket things, and yet miss his phone. Yes I washed his phone. Just before I'm going to be leaving for the Gods know how long.

Hells Bells the nightmares I had about my idiocy causing some catastrophe that I couldn't stop because I could not reach him. And people wonder why I'm hesitant to call myself smart.

The Dadga and Morrigan be on myside.
Branwen