Spring Fever? Cabin Fever? Going insane? A Rant.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me other than I'm going mad. As in Lewis Caroll "mad'. A weird perverse frantic energy has come upon me and the worst of it is there is nothing going on. Not a blip on the radar of something that needs handling, no big events to gear up for, noooothhing. Still and stagnant waters all around. Which is good. I'm not saying it ain't. Except it ain't.

The weather turned warmer and suddenly BAM! Mad hatter town. And I thought "Oh! Camping! Physical exertion! Perfect!" except it's a lie. It's not actually warm yet, there is still snow in the mountains, you can't go camping now. One of many little obstacles to keep me in this state of high strung restlessness.

The energy is there, let us create! But wait there still is no where to put the sewing machine, so that's out. Ok fine. We'll reupholster those chairs that need it so desperately! But wait, you bought the wrong staples for the staple gun. Ok fine! We'll....paint the table top silver! But wait, Bran thinks that's a horrible idea and you are acting kinda crazy so maybe you should listen. Ok FINE! I'll sit here in my house that I currently hate everything in at the moment and sit on my hands so that I don't compulsively destroy something while the sounds of sawing and banging slowly push my madness to the breaking point and I then spontaneously combust, turning my currently drab living room into a delicious shade of red. Good plan.

On top of that massive sundae of insane, I'm being bombarded with dreams of the sea. The sea coming to get me, water flooding my house, the sea immersing a building I'm in. I'm on ships, I'm swimming blah blah blah. Ok I get it Manannan, you want something. How about you tell me what it is? Instead of the shadowy misty illusion thing where you're there watching me but I'm not suppose to know you're watching me except that I know you're watching me. I've had shadowy dark trixy things watching me my whole life it's kinda hard for me not to notice. Really all it's making me do is want to start a fight with someone. Anyone. But honestly there isn't really a safe person for me to get into a fight with round here at the moment. So I shall continue to sit on my hands with that one.

The rational section of my brain tells me to analyze where all this energy is coming from, why do I want to get into a fight with someone (and when I say "fight" I mean real fight, as in fist swinging, kicking, people get thrown to the ground, wind knocked out of you, bruised, scrapped, bloody fight)?

Because then I'd be spent. They wire will be snapped. When it was all over I'd be panting, out of breath, grinning like a fool, and full of good for the soul aches.  When emotions can't be put into words, when the energy is just too big, physical manifestation of that energy and emotion just works. Works wonders. Bringing into this realm what was only in the mind before. All the bruises and the aches, the pain a real testament of the power and the value of it all. Gods I wish we had a place for a punching bag....

On the converse side of this madhouse coin that is my current emotional state of being. I just want pretty things. I hate all of my clothes because none of them satisfy my need for beauty at the moment. I've worn them all, and it just ain't working any more. My house not up to my current standard of decadence and beauty.

I want to have a good old fashioned outdoor dinner party in a garden of blooming flowers. With a looong table covered in food, and crystal wine glasses, and candles everywhere. Dress to the nines in a frothy ball gown, and flowers and jewelry, and a waltz. You see how I make no sense at all? Just a moment ago I was reveling in the idea of a good black eye and now I want a four poster canopy bed bedecked in velvets and satins, with silk organza curtains and lanterns, and fur rugs. Madness all of it.

So I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I have big plans to cull my closet of half it's contents and buy some things that make me happy. I'll continue to bite the fuck out of my lip to feel the pain and taste iron. I'll be sure to watch my tongue and keep all the mischief thoughts of goading people into fights to myself. Plan a ritual to Dagda and Morrighan to get advice on this whole Manannan thing. And generally try to not let my blood red and black glitter crazy stain anyone else in the meantime.

Wish me luck!
Branwen



Beauty and the Beast by *Ryuuka on deviantART