Stories from the Dark

When the wheel turns to dark, is one of my favorite times of year. All the more so because it seems to be when my creative juices return to what they were when I was younger and not much present in the reality of the world.

Waking from a particularly vivid dream the night before, I went to write it down and this is what came out. Maybe it's a fairy tale long lost, a legend from another time, or maybe it was just a flight of fancy in my dreams, none the less as times grow dark it's a time to share such tales.

___________________

No m’lady you should not wish for a love like theirs, pray the Gods don’t hear you. It’s not a tale of love overpowering duty, or a man questing for the maiden's heart. Theirs is a tale of blood, of sacrifice, hope lost, and hard won. For he was the Sacrificial King. The brother chosen to kill and be killed, to return this land to it’s former glory and redeem himself from his old ways. A doomed man from the start, he knew better than to hope for a life and a future. But the heart rarely listens to such stout logic when it meets its match.

She had her own part to play in the coupe that won it all. She out of all of her strange companions stood forward to be the bait and lure the Beast-that-was to his death. It had to be one of them you see, those strange beings from another place. Because no one here could touch the trinket that kept the Beast alive, that kept him immortal.

And so when the time came the Sacrificial King sat unknowing that his beloved was the one hiding in the dark waiting for the nightmare to come and chase her. Not knowing until that moment when she came barreling past, the furies of hell at her heels and planted a kiss on him that she loved most dear.

“Come back to me.” She said, though she had no right to say it. It was meant to be his fate to die that day, but she dared their Gods and Destiny itself to deny that spark that was lit between them. As quickly as she appeared she was gone, her own mission yet uncompleted. For she had a journey ahead of her to destroy that which could not be destroyed and prayed to return to a free land, and a living man.

And when she did return, her heart in her throat, beating with worry, beating against the odds that he had come out victorious, that he had come out alive. All around were smiles, and rejoyousing. He had been victorious at least, with a raging heart and fury of love of land and the love that may not be, he had torn the Beast limb from limb. Ensuring his place in the Halls of Heroes and legend. But no one would stop to tell her whether he lived to hear it or not. As she came in nearer she saw him, lying on a hero’s pyre. She could little understand how there could be such jubilation in the wake of the death of such a man, and as the tears fell pitilessly on his body and her heart began to break and tear at her soul, a heavy and calloused hand clasped her shoulder.

“Now, now pretty little one, you’ll ruin my best tunic.”

Startled she jerked back to see the man on the pyre not dead but wounded, and grinning like the rouge scoundrel that he was, please as punch to see he had such an affect on her. And as the tears still rolled down her cheeks, she beat at his chest in frustration and relief, throwing loving insults before the emotions of it all took what little strength she had left and she collapsed in his arms.

Confusion wrought across his face, for this was no fond embrace, she was limp and beyond the reach of his words. As he shifted her weight, his hands came away from her waist moistened, wet with blood.

She had not escaped her part in the final battle unharmed. For as she stole the trinket and ran from the Beast-that-was, it had manage to claw at her side in an attempt to regain his immortality. But the clean crisp wound merely a finger width deep had turned ragged and rancid tearing deeper in her side on her wild run to destroy the foul talisman. She had not stopped a moment since she crossed the Gods and begged him to return to her. She ran both night and day, with little thought in her mind but to destroy the item and return to see him. Though the mission did call for such haste, the toll was great on her poor mortal body.

And so the roles reversed, it was he that knelt weeping at her bedside, as the fever and infection wreck havoc through her body. He cursed to the Gods that he had killed that Beast mercifully, and now wished for the chance to exact vengeance for the pain he cause such a marvel of a woman.

As her life hung in the balance, the Brother Kings wondered silently. Was this was the will of the Gods? For their Brother had lived through his task, a feat that no one could have foretold, and now the brave foreign lass lie at Death’s door...in his stead? It seemed too cruel even for them, for never was man more torn apart with grief. And as the worst drew near, and everyone held their breath for Death’s quick hand. The impossible happened.

She lived! Weakly she awoke, and turned his grief to joy. But it was not yet over for them. Fragile and weak as she was, he did not trust himself not to break her with his passions and so kept himself away. Doubt began to grow where words were never spoken, and in the company of her countrymen she felt herself being pulled away.

They wished to return to their native land, and sought to convince her to do so as well. True she was healing, but surely she would heal better there. They missed their home, they felt astranged in this strange land and wanted to feel the comfort of their old lives once more. But it was she that held them together here, she who had lead them through the darkness, had kept them alive, and the journey home seemed perilous without her.

For herself there was nothing left in their native lands. Never had she felt more alive than here, never had she felt more at home. Always she had yearned for something more. Yet could she stay if he did not love her? Would the adventure and the land be enough for her to call home, without someone to share it with?

As the companions parting day grew near, her decisions was still yet to be made. At length he did come to her, unable to keep himself away when the whispers reached him that she might go.

The conversation was not easy, emotions too great choked at the words they would say. Was it the wind or his voice that had at lasted whispered the words?

“I came back for you.”

Finally they locked eyes, the force of which was enough to break into a thousand pieces the silence and doubt that had grown over the months. It was not a feeling she was use to, the vulnerability of love, though the tremble in her voice was an enemy to her, she could not help but ask without asking.

“I had thought that you had changed your mind…that my weakness made you think better of it—“ She was silenced without a word, two crushing lips and possessive arms that strength of will could no longer keep in check.

“You make me envious of her Martha. To be loved by such a man.”

“Nay, madame’ The love of such a man would overwhelm you, till you would shrink at the sight of it. No, it was the way of things that any other woman would have been frightened by the passions in such a kiss, in such a man. For they were fierce and relentless, and knew little of gentility. But where other women would have shrieked out of pain, she strange creature that she was smiled. Smiled and matched him, passion for passion. Smiled in the knowledge that even in her weakest state, she could be the undoing of him.”

Fin

Take a Breath

Well it certainly has been a long time since I posted. Many many things have happened. Far too many to begin documenting here in detail. Suffice to say the wheel has turned many times, CAYA Harvest Home went off splendidly. Exhaustingly wonderful in all it's detail.

I have many Blog post in the work, including the Physical Warrior, the conclusion of Persephone's story, and one on the Power of Vocals in Warding. These however will have to wait for the moment.

Now I find myself once again at the time of year when the veil begins to thin, and my world is once again turned on its head. Prehaps it comes with the territory of being a daughter of the Morrighan and Dadga, but whatever the reason whenever October rolls around, my life is on the fast track to transitions, and endings. This October brings a move once again, and the end of my family home, and the beginning of my immediate family moving across the country for the first time without me.

Needless to say it's all a little overwhelming. It has been observed that I have never before been without structure in my life as it is now. I have moved many times, to many places, in shorter times than this one, but always before with a destination. Always before with orders as to where I will land. It is the...uncertainty that causes my insides to cringe and my stress level to rise.

So. Today I endeavored to get some control over my raging emotions and stress, and wash them all away. A spell I will share with you fine folks today.


Materials

• Bathtub cleaning products and instruments
  
• Candles
  
• Calming colored muslin square (approx. 5"x5")
• Ribbon in your power color (approx. 8")
  
• 2 tbs salt (sea)
  
• 1 tbs dried peppermint leaves
• 1 tbs dried rose petals
  
• 1 tbs sandalwood chips
  
• A Beer (of your choice)
• Your favorite Soap

To start with, set up the bathroom to your pleasure. Light as many candles are you'd like (or is safe), set up an altar, put on your favorite spell music, bring in fresh flowers. Whatever it takes to set the mood for calm and peace.

Then place all the herbs and salt into the muslin square, and tie it up. Take a moment to ground and center yourself. Imagine the calm, the peace, how you'd like to feel, how you'd like things to go. Put all that into that little sachet.

Now, clean your tub. - Wait, here me out! You are going to feel better, sincerely, this is not trickery just to get the ring around the tub out. It just happens to be a nice side effect - Scrub your tub, and as you scrub visualize and vocalize everything you want scrubbed out of your life, your mind, your body. Get as loud, as angry, as you like, let it all out on the tub and that grim!

I Scrub OUT self-doubt, anxiety, stress!
I Scrub OUT lack of funds, closed doors!
I Scrub out the obstacles that stand in my way!

Let the tub have it, for as long as you need. Till every bit of grim, every bit of negativity is scrubbed out. Till none can cling to anything any longer.

Then rinse it all away.

I rinse away my stress, and melancholy
I rinse away those obstacles that keep me from Happiness
From Prosperity
From Success
May my ancestors and Gods (name whomever you fill appropriate) bear witness
I rinse them all away

If the tub is still not clean, have at it again. You want that tub to sparkle.

Now that the work is done, now that you've rubbed out all that frustration and stress, draw yourself a bath. A good hot one, throw your sachet into it, add bubble bath if you'd like.

Crawl in and breath deep. Feel your muscles unwind. The stress seeps out of you. Think of all the good things in your life, be grateful. Think of all you hope and dream for, know that you can achieve them, it will take work as it took work to clean this tub. All is possible.

Take a nap, clean your nails, pumice your heels, daydream. Stay in there as long as you need. And when you fill ready, take your favorite soap and start to clean. Make sure you get good a squeaky clean. See all that grime and dirt, that stress and negativity bubble up and wash away. Make sure to shampoo and condition your hair!

Now here is the fun part.

Pop open that Beer, take a swig for the bath and the Gods, and a swig for yourself.

Now pour the rest on your head.

I know sounds crazy, my partner would squawk "And waster a beer!" But here me out.

One, beer is a symbol of wealth, prosperity, and magic. It is alchemy at it's finest, taking raw materials and over time with process, becomes something entirely new. It evokes images of feasts, and good times. It is the relaxing moment after a long days work, and culmination of the years growing and harvesting in one cool sip. You are bathing yourself in magic and wealth.

Plus it's actually very good for your hair. Gives body, and helps clean away residue.

Go slow, let each foamy drop pour over your head, soak it up into your hair. Lick your lips, smile.

I am surround by love, prosperity, and success
As my hair never ceases to grow throughout my lifetime,
Let my chances and opportunities for wealth, happiness, and peace
Continue to grow around me.
I soak it up into my body, into my soul.
I am capable of achiveing all that I wish to achieve.
(State what you will achieve)
I am bathed in the bounty of the Earth
By the Land
By the Sea
and by the Sky
So mote it be!

Now rinse off, drain the tub. Watch as all your that muck you were carrying on your shoulders, all that grim you cleaned off you spiral down the drain and back to the Earth to be cleansed and made anew. Rinse out your tub, you want none of that grime and negativity sticking around!

Take a deep breath and go about your day! (Take note of extra volume, and shine in your hair ;)

That's my stress relieving spell for the day. Hope it works for you, it helps to have a nice meal too.

She came into my life as a Queen would, announced herself, gave me a quest, and danced in my dreams for weeks on end. And in our time together I strived to live up to her grace, beauty, understanding, and strength. I pray I did you justice Goddess.

And in her honor I give you, her story, as it came to me.

----


In a time before civilization, when man was young and all nature spoke and worshiped the Gods. There were no seasons, the earth and man knew only the warm beauty of summer and were indebted to the caring nurturing hands of the beautiful Demeter. At her hands did man know feast or famine. For she was the land and the growth of every harvest. And while every bud and sprout and fruit laden branch brought her pleasure she had but one true joy.

Her daughter Kore.

As bright and beautiful as a sun beam with all the grace and majesty of the wind blow willow. She was a child of the earth and sky. The perfumed laced zephyrs would chase her heels for a chance to brush petaled lips of youth perfected. In her mother's doting eye she was a child untouched. A maid protected from all sorrows and strife. Hey days were spent in sun soaked meadows, dancing with ladybugs and sleeped the innocent slumber under the watchful eye of the moon. The Demeter, great Goddess of the Harvest wished to shield her flowering maiden from all the darkness of the world, the girl-child's beauty could not go unnoticed forever.

On a day much like any other, Kore went in search of fun and laughter, frolicking through meadows with the bouncing cockleshells. In her lyrical wanderings she happened upon a sight she's never seen before. A vast valley, blanketed with the most glorious poppies, bright and brilliant scarlet rippling in the wind. The begged to be danced with, they cried to be coddled, they sung her an ode to make her smile. She obliged them most willingly. The pretty petaled visage that was made was enough to break the heart of any mortal who perchance to view it.

But it was not a mortal who happened on this scene of light and laughter, but the somber God who resides not on Mt. Olympus but deep within the dark of the earth. Hades himself was stunned into stillness by the dancing delight of nubile youth and joy that he would never find in his own kingdom.

Call it chance if you must, the wiser would say Fate, and the more daring yet would see the balancing hand of Chaos. Across that wide divide of blood red flora did the wide expressive eyes of Life collided with pale piercing Death. In the breath of an instant a spark was formed, what else could transpire Life and Death meet? At that exact moment, did Eros line in his sights and let loose the most potent of love's venom. The arrow struck it's mark true, and the spark that barely began to glimmer, ignited into an inferno unstoppable.

There was a deafening roar as the earth cracked wide and the black abyss of below was released, in a tempest of smoke and smoldering heat of ash and thundering hoof was Kore dragged below. Before the earth could seal the chasm a terrified scream, her first, was ripped from her lips. So tremendous was this shriek that all of nature took up it's echo. As the valley mended itself leaving no trace of the upset that had just occurred, save a valley of fallen petals.

Demeter heard the cry but a moment too late, and took flight from where she was in frantic search of her beloved daughter. Round and round the world she searched, under every rock, in every corner of the vast expanse of this earth. But not a trace could be found of the glowing child of earth and sky, not a single strand of glimmering hair, nor faintest echo of her voice.

Grief stricken and foot sore, the great goddess implored the eye of the sky Helios, to tell her what no one else could, where was her daughter? It was with a heavy heart that he told the tale of what had transpired in that valley of hearts blood, and why no matter how hard Demeter searched, no matter how much energy she expelled she would not find the dancing girl-child of spring, for she was below, deep in the earth where Demeter could not go.

Demeter's heart broke, and as the pieces tore into her soul, the earth froze. For it would mourn with her, and know no joy, no warmth, for as long as she did not.

To be continued...

Tra la its May!

Tra la! It's May!
The lusty month of May!
That lovely month when ev'ryone goes
Blissfully astray.
Tra la! It's here!
That shocking time of year
When tons of wicked little thoughts
Merrily appear!

I just had to make a quick post, to wish everyone a delightful and decadent Beltane. This is the start of my favorite (and busiest) month of the year.

I woke up this morning to a wonderfully clean house, a crisp morning where the clouds are that wonderful shade of grey that saturates all the colors and makes them sing with vibrancy. Sat out on my porch with a cup of tea and just breathed in the air, and then to sweeten the deal it started to rain. I think it was one of the most magical mornings that could have occurred. I went out and fondled my flowers in the rain, and just relaxed. Which was nice considering, that I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for the past couple of weeks.

And in actuality today will be no different lol. My to do list is still lengthy. I still have to finish the Beltane outfit and mask for Saturday and the matches. And tonight is Amazon Beltane in which I have to tell a story with someone else and I woefully was a very bad colaborator and did not get in touch with them early enough, hopefully my Amazon sister will be able to forgive me. I have faith that we can pull off some awesome May magic tonight and am not too worried, I just don't want her to be fretting either.

On more excited news front, CAYA's newest family member is on the brink of being born! Ladybug went into labor early yesterday morning and should be delivering Raspberry sometime early this afternoon. It's been a long and nerve wrecking experince for all of us waiting for updates. I can only imaigne what poor Bug must be feeling, luckily she opted for the epidural so not so much pain anymore. But still it can't be easy and my heart and love and energy goes out to her as does the whole communities.

It truly is a blessed Beltane, with the birth of this wonderful boy to such loving and amazing parents.

Well I suppose I should get to my work. As there is work to be done and not much time to do it in. May everyone find love, light, laughter, and dreams this Beltane and all of the lusty month of May.

Whence this fragrance wafting through the air?
What sweet feelings does its scent transmute?
Whence this perfume floating ev'rywhere?
Don't you know it's that dear forbidden fruit!
Tra la la la la! That dear forbidden fruit!
Tra la la la la!

Who is that person in the mirror??

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered "Who the hell is that?", or look at a photo of yourself and just not recognize it?

Happens to me all the time. Seriously, all the time. I can't recall an instance where I have looked at an image of myself and haven't thought "That's not me."

Now this is not a call out for compliments or anything of the like. I'm not saying that I think I'm an ugly woman, ok? It's just the me I see in photos and what not, yeah I look NOTHING like that in my head. It's just not the same, and the truly sad part is there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

It's not something I can change with a diet and excersize, it's not something that new make up will make better. Nope it's just a reality I suppose I need to deal with. Because even plastic surgery wouldn't be able to help me, my face is just a completely different structure in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy. I'm not a 6 ft blonder haired blue eyed girl in my head. I know my eye color, I know my hair color and what not, it's small things. In photos and mirrors my eyes look squinty and small. Not in my head. In reality my nose is slightly bigger in my head, my chin more demure, my hair flater. All these little things add up to a bigger picture that just doesn't fit...doesn't look as lively as I feel/think. Does that make any sense at all?

I can't explain when this started or why this is, perhaps a childhood of excessive imaginative stimulus in order to entertain myself created this break in reality of my self image.

I guess i shouldn't let it bother me as you know there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But I dunno it just makes me...sad. I also see why I get frequent remarks that I look tired or sad, it always confuses me, but the reality of the matter is, that's what I look like.

I don't know it's a strange world.

Enough of this, no use crying over spilled milk. I was just wondering if I was the only one.

Obligatory Cranky Hot Post

Yes I do have a nice big lovely art and story post in my draft box, that needs a few tweeks still to hand over to the blogosphere as sacrament.

But in the mean time there are just a few things I would like to say.

1) Heat in a house with no Air conditioning and little insulation, suckith.
2) Living with a roommate and thus unable to fling wide the bedroom door allowing air in at night to cool your hide, due to being indecent, also suckith.
3) Having to tell your neighbors to not use your hose to frolick and fill up their kiddie pool, uhh because THEIR NOT PAYING FOR IT! Is just effed up.

That is All.

A year a day and some change

Whew!!! By the Gods, I cannot believe it but I have all the memories for it really must be so. I have officially completed my year and a day training, made it out alive, and am a CAYA Priestess. Who knew?!

I was still floating on cloud nine from all the activities and hot tubing and general magical merriment that started last Thursday and didn't end till Saturday. But alas yesterday's dentist appointment had a way to knock my back down into the mundane. Something about throbbing pain and trying to sleep will do that to you.

I am however happy to report I awoke this morning bright eyed and pain-less though slightly weird feeling in the mouth, but I can deal because I don't have big gaping holes in my canine anymore!! They look like normal teeth! A little stained, a little overlapping, certaintly not perfect but not eroding holes of doom. I am SOOOO happy.

I only wish I could have had it done prior to the Retreat and Ordination then I would have been able to smile more without having to worry, but oh well.

The Retreat was AMAZING. And much of it secret so you won't get a peep out of me in that regard. But the general overall time was fan-freakin-tastic, it was so nice to be all together, and eat all together, it really was an Oasis. I spent the most amount of time in that Hot Tub than in any water ever in my life lol. So many good conversations had with so many of my brethren, I really do feel we are closer than ever now. I don't know what the future brings but it can only get better.

And then the public Ordination. Holy mother of pearl was that just breathtaking. I have to say when I was getting read I was a little freaked out due to my whites somehow mischievously getting red one them, but I was able to wash it out and it dried in time that I don't think anyone noticed.

It was the first ritual in a long time that I went to and literally had no hand in the planning. And it went off so well, all the new Initiates are superstars already. Hearing new voices and feeling new energy was just so damn exciting.

Stepping up to proclaim ourselves to the greater coven was a heady experience. The words sounded so right and the room seemed to buzz with energy as everyone took their place as priest and priestess.

Our little siblings truly out did themselves with their secret part of the ritual. There was coordination and blessings of poetic power, and jars of goodies! One of the highlights of my night was looking into my jar and seeing a Companion Cube and knowing exactly who it was from. (If you don't know what a companion cube is don't fret about it all you need to know is it is awesome)

And now it's all over. But the work isn't lol. Nope even though the training is over that drawing board is still full. Many a good thing is on the horizon, Warrior group, Harvest Home, Beltane, Amazon Training (I know what was I thinking?! lol). And even a new idea that has implanted itself in my brain on Sunday and grown at extreme rates.

So until next time to greater and better things,

Branwen, daughter of The Dadga and Morrigan
Priestess of Bardic Warrior Wisdoms

The Greatest Song in the Verse!

While I do not condone the religious rammification of this holiday. Frankly I think St. Pat did Erin a deservice by "ridding" her of the pagans. But as I live in America, where the holiday is not about Church and the continued growth of Christiandom but is instead about BEER and Irish Pride, I continue to celebrate March 17th with merriment and alcohol.

And I invite you to do the same. So here you are for you're enjoyment, and my continued pleasure. My favorite Drinking Song, discovered one St. Paddy's day a few years ago that contiues to capture me in it's catch tune and hearty message.



Now back to the dishes and my Beer. lol

Branwen

Just one of those days...

Cats are truly wonderful things. Ok so I think animals in general are wonderful, but currently it is a cat sitting in my lap purring contently avidly seeking my attention as if I were the most awesome best person in the universe, so for now it is the felines that get the most praise.

I don't know if Una just felt this morning that I wasn't in the best of moods and came to cheer me up, or if she herself wasn't feeling so great and needed some extra attention. But either way it's nice. Orangies have always been one of my favs. Even the goofy ones.

From The Goblin and the Fairy

Saturday evening was Loverly, thanks to everyone who came. I had a blast. The Absinthe was delicious the company was more than charming and the movies were perfectly bloody. It was a full house but just the right number of folks came that it wasn't too jammed full. I think we will most certaintly be having similar evenings in the future.

So what's wrong with today? Nothing in particular, I have many things I need to do, however I lack the...initiative to do any of them. I literally just laid in bed for two hours thinking of nothing or at least very little. Which for me is an amazing and scary feat.

I just feel rather useless these days.

Now before I begin on this train of thought please let it be known that this is just me venting and what not in one of my down spells and that it will pass so try not to worry about it.

So yay useless...I haven't had steady work in over three months, and frankly it's getting to me. It's not a dire situation or anything, Bran and I can live and have lived quite comfortably on his salary alone so it's no big deal, and he often tries to encourage me to not fret and indulge myself. But I can't. I don't feel like I'm contributing anything, and I just feel...lost.

I don't know where or what I'm suppose to do anymore. There was a time when everything was laid out and straight and I had goals and it was groovy. But then a hurricane of shite came through and I'm still picking up the pieces.

Should I continue to go to school? If so, what do I get a degree in?? What job would I have after school? Do I want to just get a job? What job? What the fuck am I qualified for?

Do I give up Animation and try my hand at being a history teacher? Is there another option I'm not seeing yet?

Questions, questions, questions, and no answers.

I feel double the guilt in this state of none being. I am not only not contributing towards Bran and I's future and household, but I'm not fullfilling my families expectations of me. I know family honor and duty is an antiquated concept in todays society but it means something to me. My folks always believed in me, always no matter what hair brained idea I came up with they had this weird unwavering faith that I was going to make something of myself. And what if I don't? Is it because I squandered opportunities and myself or is it because whatever they thought they saw wasn't really there?

Too many questions. None of them really making me feel any better. As of yet the Gods are decidedly silent on the subject, so I guess this is one of those things that this little mortal has to figure out for herself. Yipee.

Well enough self-pity and prattle. I think I'll take a walk, some fresh air and then tidy up the house. It's the least I can do.

Preparation

Or the post of shit I need to do. lol

So Ordination of CAYA is right around the little corner, as in 12 days away. As anyone who knows me knows, I generally get grand ideas of outfits for special occasions. Ordination is really no exception, however I have had to reel it in a bit as well...12 days people.

Here is the plan thus far:

From A Celt in the City

Ok so it still looks like a lot of work. But for the hell of it let's break it down. This outfit consists of

• white conical corset
  
• white chemise with train
  
• red draped cloak
  
• fur/fake hip belt
  
• sword belt and sword
• brass cuffs
• torq
  
• indigo skin paint (optional depending on time)
  

Of that list there are only four things that I do not have, and thankfully the corset is not one of them lol. So really I just have to make the chemise, the draped cloak, the hip belt, and find the cuffs.

That seems do able right?....maybe? *fingers crossed*

Of course this isn't the only thing happening right now. Nopers. While trying to get this done. I also have to fancify up my wand, and finish up the last of my readings.

In the more immenant future. I have to clean house BIG time today, in prep for my Movie Night on the morrow. And at the same time, find/procure the items I need for ritual tonight, AND memorize/decide what I want/need to say for said ritual tonight about the illustrious and industrious Bee Goddess.

I know what you're thinking.

"What the hell are you doing on the computer with all that to do?"

I tend to agree with you so I suppose this is adieu', positive energy appreciated to get it all done!

Branwen

Paganism and Society

Some interesting thoughts occurring to me today.

It started after a meeting today with Heaven, which went loverly. I haven't often gotten time to just chat with her and it was a nice and refreshing in the middle of my usually rather solitary weekdays. It was a general check in prior to the big event of Ordination, and at the end of it she made a connection about one of my dedicating deities that I never really noticed.

The Dagda and community.

He's always been a robust god to me, the type of rougish Father figure that warms the heart and inspire one to be the best of oneself. He's one of those wandering transiant gods, that has one foot in the Otherworld and one in this. A god of duplexity that represents the primal brash parts of humanity and the intangiable mysteries of beyond.

But in all that I never really thought of his connections to community and that connection within myself. It is true though, he is a cheiftian God, in many ways to me THE Cheiftian God. And that goes hand in hand with comminuty, it is the heart of being a Cheif. Caring and tending to your people, your clan. That's something I can get behind all the more, because I love my community, and strive to be of use and merit to them.

This thought of community and how important that is lead into thinking about a post my dear coven sister recently made about how she feels the world needs more pagans, and more specifically about changing the PR of paganism. How would one go about making better PR for paganism or at least bringing the middle grade of us into the "mainstream". The answer in my mind appears to be directly to connected to community.

First you would need to get a 501 3K for non-profit status. That would then open the doors to applying to grants for community projects.

Of course that in itself wouldn't be easy, as I'm sure that there would be prejudice against a "pagan" organization and really it would be against our nature to hide that fact. But the fact is that if the project is appealing enough and the grant proposal is strong, and with the powers behind us we would get the support from somewhere.

Then the mind starts thinking about what sorts of projects would a community such as CAYA want to give to our greater community. A few thing immediatly come to mind.

• An enviormental project to either help with the up keep of the wildlife and parks in the area, could be a concert or fundraiser to donate to the parks and rec. paired with a clean up commity.
  
• A women's shelter, or some program that helps such a facility
• A community garden with educational courses

I think it would be good to begin associating paganism with humanitarism and enviormental charity. I mean it just freakin' makes sense! After all that's what we are about, within our own kind we are constantly helping our neighbors, we pride ourselves on that. Further there is such a strong connection with the Earth and we all know the problems that are arising , and further with our combined knowledge we know how things can be done better. So why not expand that? Why not reach out beyond our circle?

There are reasons, fear of ridicule from those who don't understand, or worse fear us themselves and purposfully misunderstand. And were we buried deep in a part of the country that is continually cruel to change and different flavor it would be one thing. But were better place to start reaching out than here in the bay area.

The chance of doing good appears to out weigh the bad in my mind. So much could start to be done. We could start living what we believe to an even greater extent, after all there is no small number of us. CAYA is growing and rapidly, as such we can start to really make a difference.

Maybe we aren't ready to go all non-profit and what not, but we could do other things to start with. We already have a seasonal food drive, we could as a community could start doing community work, cleaning up parks, volunteering at animal shelters. Maybe could find a local farm or start a CSA group membership, making it easier for more people to actually support local agriculture.

It'd be a lot of work, but wouldn't it be worth it?

Something to chew on.

Branwen

The Wonderful World of Paganism

Aka The Paneathcon Entry.

So it's Tuesday and I have had a couple days to reflect on my adventure into that wonderful thing called Con. I have to say it was a blast. Not for the generally thought about reasons, such as the panels and what not, though I'm sure some of them were awesome and eye opening. It's just not what I found myself wanting to do. I much preferred just...hanging out, and being put on tasks lol.

But then I've found that to be increasingly the case with all the Con's I go to. Not sure what that means but as long as I have fun I don't really care.

Rabbit was kind enough to let me bunk with her for Friday evening (Friday the 13th) in room 666. That's right, and yes it was hella awesome.

And in so being in close proximity to Rabbit you generally find yourself in the middle of everything lol. Which was very good for me, because frankly there weren't a lot of panels I wanted to go to and whenever I found myself hemming and hawing over what I was going to settle on I'd get a text, or run into Rabbit or someone and suddenly I had a much more entertaining and useful task to do. Ahhh unintentional magic how useful you are.

Basically what I learned at P-con was *drumroll please* My Coven is AWESOME. Frankly not the most astounding revelation ever as I already knew everyone was amazing. But I have habit of being somewhat single minded and focused on the next step of what we're doing so much that sometimes it's hard to see the greater impact of it all. Then something like P-con will come along and I'll just sit there observing and realize, holy jumping salmon look at us! And really honestly lets take a moment to look at us shall we.

At Pantheacon it seemed that CAYA was everywhere. And maybe this is just my small view colored by my own involvement therein, but really it seemed you couldn't walk very far without running into one of us. Not only that, but it seemed that ever where I went, people were talking about us. In a good way not a paranoid crazy way. I'd be at registration and hear about how so and so heard the ---

I just heard Thunder. Real live thunder. Sorry had to document that after running outside in glee to look at the storm (silly girl I know). It's just been so long since I heard thunder.

Anyways back to what I was saying. It seemed like I was running into either people who were going to the Brotherhood ritual and had heard good things (to which I added with enthusiasm) or women who had been to the Amazon ritual and were singing it's praises (to which I beamed with pride). And then there was the Oracle of the Living Tarot, which I know wasn't really a CAYA production but come on there were enough CAYA folks in it that it defiantly had an effect on the flavor. And oh what an grand flavor it was.

It really just sorta drove home to me, that I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. See I'm somewhat spoiled and very lucky in that CAYA is really my first coven. Prior to that I was a very strict solitary, and I knew enough about what I wanted out of a community that I just didn't venture off to public ritual because none of them seemed to emphasis those things most important to me. Then there was CAYA whose name said it all, Come As You Are. What more really needs to be said than that.

The first ritual I went to was at Grove of Artemis, and the energy was so refreshing and exactly what I imagined group rituals should be that I just stopped looking for anywhere else. My first CAYA ritual was Ostara and I was sooo welcomed and felt like I already made connections, and that was the ritual I took up my magical name and it was just a magical fit all the way around.

I went to my first Celtic Recon. Ritual at P-con this year. First as in first group ritual, because really my personal practice is pretty inundated with Celtic Recon. Studies and the like. And they were a very nice group of people, with a very lovely ritual, and beautiful words, and music. The only thing they lacked was the energy. And apparently the energy is very very important to me.

It also made me realize that I am really going to be a "Priestess". Shocking I know, what with training for a year and a day and all you'd think that would have sunken in. But really I was never in it for the title, I was honestly uncomfortable of the title. See I'm a Celt and we've always had issues with Cergy folk, spirituality and religion is different between everyone and their Gods. But I knew that the words meaning is different here in CAYA than a Dogmatic sense, no one hear is looking to be an ultimate authority, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Still though I couldn't help but squirm a little at the thought of having a title of Priestess, I didn't see anything in me that was what I considered Preistly.

See I see myself more as a work horse than anyone holding the reigns. I like to do tasks, make myself useful, I like giving ideas and feeling like I'm contributing to the greater whole. But that never really added up to "Priestess" in my mind. Priests are leaders, they have ideas and inspire others to dream along with them. I have heard others in my coven talk of ideas of other circles and rituals they want to make happen, and that to me is befitting of the title. I never really felt that before. And then I went to the Celtic Recon. ritual, which was really more a Neo-Druid ritual but lets try not to get caught up in labels lol.

And the whole time I was trying to stay focused in the moment, energy present. But I couldn't, it was too busy taking stock of the situation and coming up with things that should be done. There needed to be drumming or chanting to keep the energy stable and ready to rise at the important moment, the clergy needed to step up and lead by example to get the audience to feel comfortable speaking aloud. And all the papers they were reading off of needed to disappear, because as a very wise Rabbit says "Anyone can read off a paper, a Priest/ess reads off the heart."

As I left that ritual my mind kept buzzing with how I would have planned it if I could, and the deep urge to go thank Rabbit. Like an apple hitting me in the head and saying "See dingbat, you do want to be a Preistess. How else would you ever be able to have a real Celtic ritual your way?" it all became clear.

I don't know if I'll ever start my own circle, frankly I'm enjoying the now too much to think that far ahead. But I now realize I like having the option and more over if I do decided I know that I will be capable of doing so with the style grace and wisdom that CAYA instilled in me.

Well now, that certaintly isn't all that happened this weekend but I think this post is long enough and will save the rest for another time.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back and
May the Sun bless you on your journey.

Branwen

Musings about the Middle and Home

I was born under a wandering star.

It's true. After spending almost all of my childhood in constant motion, where five years in one place seemed like a life time. It left a deep impression on my pysche. Mainly that I get a deep boned since of satisfaction traveling. Just getting in the car and driving for an hour or two on the open road just makes me happy. No destination needed it's all about the travel.

This has caused problems for me in the past, namely since I'm no longer under the orders of the US Marine Corps, and don't have to move every two years, I'll find myself getting restless, and grumpy, and just discontent if things get too....regular? Luckily, Bran doesn't mind driving around aimlessly on the weekends, and enjoys the mini-vacation himself. So when things get too familiar he doesn't mind throwing down a couple hundred bucks for a weekend somewhere else. And I have the good fortune to have friends and family across the country whom I can occasionally go and see.

Which is good, because I love to fly.

So you're asking where is all this going? Why this indulgence on your living habits?

Well my good friends it is so you all can have a better idea of the bigger picture when I say.

I have never been more happy to be home from a trip in my life. Ever. Ever.

While I did enjoy my plane rides, as I have this deep seated love of being in the sky. They rest of it just didn't need to occur.

To begin with the circumstances of this trip was less than desirable, it's never fun to have to rush off to a loved ones hospital bed. The fact that is was in Illinois in the middle of flat nothing and cold helped nothing.

I'm just not a middle America kinda gal, as Illinois now rates as my number two most hated state in the US. (Nebraska is number one in case you were wondering)

The stay was...difficult. A half hysterical mother, a stressed out brother, and a boat load of family members that have all their own issues and only make things worse.

It was eye opening on some level. I bonded with my older Brother as never before, though under very unfortunate circumstances. And I got to see some of the reasons as to why my mother is the way she is. Which was somewhat painful in itself.

See my grandfather, is sexist. He's really the first man that I've ever met who I could apply that label to.

Now he's not sexist in the speaking horrible things about or too women type of chauvinistic pig. No in many ways he's much worse and more damaging to his girls I think. He is charming and a complete flirt with any female in the area, be it nurse or waitress. So where is the harm?

The harm is in he's complete dissmisal of them, of what their saying, of their opinions, or their feelings. It doesn't matter if their a doctor or a nurse, if a man told him something it would be the gossple if the same thing was uttered from a woman's lips he'd smile politely but disregard it.

It was bizzare to watch, not that it had much of an effect on me. He's an old man from another time and place who is quickly losing his grasp of things and can no longer be trusted to make decisions for the better of himself. But the effect on my mother was heartbreaking.

To watch her continue to try and garner favor, validation and praise from a man who simple brushed her off, belittled her concerns, and called her emotions hysterics was just too much for me. I found myself herding her out of the room, anything to get her distracted. There wasn't much I could do, afterall there is no way to teach someone how to not feel rejected by their parents.

Oh the crazy twisted cycles of growing up. How we all get messed up, but our parents (for the most part) did there best. I realize now, that those injuries I suffered from my Mom as a kid, she really couldn't help. There were things missing from her childhood that she just couldn't give me because no one gave it to her.

But she did an amazing job with what she had, above and beyond the parenting that was given to her.

So while I am beyond words happy to be home, I recognize that this was a worthy trip for me to take.

But man oh man there is no place like home lol.

Branwen

Strange thoughts in the Rain

I warn you now reader that is post is likely to meander without structure and without sense. It is the type of day for such stream of consciousness thinking, though I generally dispise the genre in literature.

The past day seems a haze...actually the past two days seem oddly shrouded in some sort of mist. I woke up on the 20th and had completely forgotten it was Inauguration day, Bran made an unexpected stop home for lunch and was puzzled to find me not glued to the T.V. watching history in the making.

I felt oddly detached from it all. Very odd since, I have that streak of political minded-ness that makes me want to be in the midst of the action taking the reign of our country and pulling her away from oblivion.

We sat and ate lunch watching the new President slow caravan down the lane in D.C., and I couldn't help the thought that entered my brain. As I saw all these smiling faces, all these hopeful spirits raising such energy such joy, and remembering how you could hardly go anywhere without seeing his name, his face. Perhaps it's the cynic in me, but the thought came unbidden.

Is he being set up to fail? Can one man ever live up to such expectations?

I turned to Bran and as is a common occurrence we were both thinking the same thing.

It is not that I think the hope he inspires is a bad thing, only I wonder at the cause of it...He is already being praised as a savior but is yet untested in the murky waters he now treads. It may come to be that the hope and the change he has come to represent will manifest itself in the people, a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, because they believe it, it will happen.

I hope and pray this is so. For the other option is not helpful, but I cannot help but worry about putting someone on a pedestal so early in this battle. It is a very long way to fall.

And then yesterday...it hardly seems like yesterday, as though the day just stretched itself longer to follow me. I did not sleep well, too many dreams, too many thoughts.

I once again am visited by the Bandh Sidhe, and must follow her down the dark path to witness death. Though wether I am following or leading this time I cannot be sure, but I know the path and it is unavoidable.

My Grandfather is at the dusk of his life. He took a fall yesterday and broke his leg and hip, and must be in surgery by now. They are unsure of his recovery. Mother and I will leave for the cold state of Illinois on Saturn's Day. Appallingly fitting, to be leaving on the day of the Father of the Gods.

My Grandmother's words echo through my head, "Life is going from one crisis to the next."

Seems there is more than a grain of truth in those wise sadonic words.
It is shameful to admit but my soul is feeling exposed today, I don't know that I feel much about the impending death of my mother's father.

There it is said, let it mark me a damaged soul if it will but it is the truth.

Upon hearing the news my thoughts were only of my mother, and greatly still are. I never got to know my Grandfather, I've seen him a handful of times in my life, but sadly none of them made a very large impression me. I will be sad at the loss of a chance to know him, to learn from him, but that chance has already passed. Merely from my Mother's accounts of his drastically changed behavior I can say with certainty that most of him has already gone.

This trip isn't about me. This is about Mother, my sweet exteremly emotional mother. It's out of the question she go alone, and since father can't go, I step in to take care of her.

Funny...I don't know when it happened, me taking care of mother. Somewhere along the way of moving out and with Shawn being gone, it just happened. Shawn is the eldest, but being so far away and with a wife that needs constant care herself, the title of next head of the house falls to me. My mother is the type of person that needs taking care of, it's not a burden, no truthfully it is not done out burdendom. It is done because we love her, and though she may drive us crazy.

I don't want to go honestly, the misery and the dark energy that prevails on that side of the family is suffocating. It's the helplessness coupled with an ill-begotten since of deserving that drags any poor soul down who didn't let themselves be squarndered. I'd much rather stay here, in my home, with quiet comforting strong presence of the man that loves me.

But what type of daughter would I be, hell what type of person would I be if I let her go alone into that hyena's den? One not fit to stand in the sun, let alone claim to be a Celt.

I guess I asked for it in a way...well no not asked as I do not think I had much control over things that I am drawn to in this life, no to some extent it much be destiny. But it seems fitting in some way, you cannot be drawn to the dark, to those shadowy things that hover between in the gray space. You cannot revel in the gory and brutal glory of darker nature and not see death. Not know it's sterilization in this time, not feel the pain that it leaves behind, or see the distruption of a thread cut. It would be too hypocritical, too...naive. To praise and honor the Dadga and the Morrigan who both stand with one foot in Otherworld and one in the Living, is to be subject to the lessons they have to teach about life and it's brother death.

My, my, my...what a mellow dramatic post. But then I suppose I've always had a thing for the dramatic, and while I do not know how it is that my brothers and sisters see me, I doubt they expect such morbid solmenity.

But it is a truth universialy know, you cannot have light without the dark.

So I leave you with these dark thoughts, for there is much to do, and much to make ready before the Day of Saturn. Somehow I must find a way to remedy my own stupidity.

Damn Mercury Retrograde, in the haze of yesterday evening I somehow managed to check Bran's pockets take out his utility tool, wallet, keys, and other pocket things, and yet miss his phone. Yes I washed his phone. Just before I'm going to be leaving for the Gods know how long.

Hells Bells the nightmares I had about my idiocy causing some catastrophe that I couldn't stop because I could not reach him. And people wonder why I'm hesitant to call myself smart.

The Dadga and Morrigan be on myside.
Branwen

Why does family drive you mad?

I'm not in a good mood today. I should probably try and do something to alter my bad mood so when Bran comes home it doesn't effect him. But I'm finding it very hard to not relish the bad mood at the moment.

My family can't decide if it wants to be in fact a family, albeit dysfunctional one, or a money hungry conglomerate. And just about when I've finally relaxed, when I've let my worries about needing to find a new place go, then I get a call or an e-mail that puts me right back on edge.

My ass of a so called uncle, had the nerve to send me an e-mail asking where the rent from Dec. and Jan. where.

. . .

Umm. . .

Where's my rental agreement, Unc?

You know a real one. Not one with asinine addendum like, no pets when you know I own two cats. Or claiming that I'm responsible for the pipes in a house that hasn't have new pipes since the Summer of Love, hell I don't even know that there might be the original pipes. Which would explain why I've had to clean out unidentifiable black gunck from said pipe under my sink on various occasions.

But all of this was covered in the very long, painstakingly polite and understanding, e-mail I sent to him at the tail in of November because that's when I got the joke of a rental agreement he had orignal sent me.

This is ridiculous, you want my money? Fine, I'll pay but I want protections and rights, which means they have to register with the rental board. Something they are loath to do because then the upstairs petition for illegaly high rent just might go through and wouldn't that be a bitch to the pocket book?

*breaths*

I need to calm down...well that and I needed to get that all out. Gotta be level headed tommrrow when all the greedy rats come over to my house to make a list of the house assets and discuss the upstairs folk. One thing I do know it doesn't pay to get emotional with them, they have no emotions and view any outbreak of said feelings as a sign of unbalance and weakness.

But that's ok. I'll have my cards straight by then, maybe even a few aces up my sleeves. Put in an inquiry to the Rental Board about whether or not their reasoning for not registering holds any water. Their claiming that since a relative of the Estate (who owns the house) is living in one unit they fall under exemption. I'm wondering if that's true, I'm also wondering if making a rental agreement with me would jeopardize that exemption.

Depending on what the answers are, they may just find that two years free rent is payment for services rendered over four years of hell and heartbreak.

Alright, I've ranted, I've raved, I was mellow dramatic, now to do someting productive The house needs to be pristine for tommrrow.

Sorry to anyone who read that, probably should have warned you it was pure rant.

Prepairing the battle ground,

Branwen

Monday, what's a Monday?

Seriously I think I'm starting to forget lol. Another week and no work, which wouldn't bother me but this is the first week that Bran and Ang went back to work so the house is somewhat empty.

Had a great holiday, lots of laughter, lots of food, lots of fun. And now back to the humdrum. Well not really as my job currently doesn't have enough money to pay me, don't really know what I'm going to do. Not that we're hurting for cash or anything, it's just I like to feel I'm contributing monetarily. That and I like to have my own money. Somehow gotta get some cash together for at least one day of Pcon and for the Ordination. Been thinking of doing some paintings and seeing if I could sell em'. Can't hurt to try right?

Anywho not a lot to report on the spiritual path, a whole lot of scheduling lol. Which is always fun when busy pagans are involved. Imbolc is coming up, looking forward to planning that and getting those new intitates intitated. And then P-con and then Ordination. My the ball just keeps rolling.

Well I must attend to my bread dough rising, making Chicken Stromboli tonight. So I'll leave you with the Hoonanigans who also have no concept of Mondays.



Blix: Wha she say?



Una: It didn't involve food so what do I care?